


A Twisted Time

by CongressIsAliens



Series: The World Is Shit, Let’s Write Fic [10]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe- Heinz is an OWCA agent, An Inordinate Amount of Blushing, Angst, Bad Flirting, Blood, Death, Digs at OWCA's budget, Existential Angst, Fight Scenes, Fluff, Hallucinations, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Humor, M/M, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Sisyphus Metaphors, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, There's also stuff like, but it has its happy moments, don't get me wrong this story is dark, honestly this is so far from canon, it's not all bad stuff though, that is unsurprisingly not a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23816968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens
Summary: There are two timers on Perry's wrist. One counting down until he meets his soulmate, the other counting down until his soulmate dies.The good news? The first timer runs out today.The bad news? So does the second one.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: The World Is Shit, Let’s Write Fic [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668385
Comments: 18
Kudos: 115





	A Twisted Time

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished a happy fic, so have some angst.

Perry stares at his computer screen, watching the loading bar creep slowly across the screen. 

Another half hour, and his operating system will be up to date- by early 2000's standards. 

It's not like he can really complain. It would be a waste for him to have any sort of fancy tech in his cubicle, what with how often he's away from headquarters. It makes much more sense for him to have a better watch. 

Sure, the computer is definitely a product of the ever-dwindling OWCA budget, but as long as it can still print his paperwork and run the report program, he's alright with it. 

If, y'know, it would actually finish updating. He's been sitting here for almost an hour, waiting for the update to finish. At this point, he's considering just borrowing Agent W's computer. 

If only he had stuck around a few more minutes yesterday to finish his report. 

So he waits, scrolling through his inbox on his phone. One of the few programs actually running at the level expected of the current year.

Apparently the dish is down, so Monogram will be giving assignments in person today. 

His phone buzzes in his palm. A text from Candace. 

_You're meeting your soulmate today, right?_

Perry grins. Yes, yes he is. He pushes his sleeve just enough to bare the first vibrant purple timer on his wrist. Only ten minutes and thirty seven seconds until he meets his soulmate. 

_Only ten and a half minutes!_ , he texts Candace. _I'll send you a picture when I meet them._

His grin falters when he catches a glance at the second timer on his wrist. The one that he hasn't shown the kids- or anyone, really. Only Lawrence. It's also on his OWCA papers and medical records, but that's different.

The calculations come naturally to him- he's only been doing them since he was old enough to understand the numbers. 

He has six hundred and nineteen seconds until he meets his soulmate, and eight thousand, five hundred and forty six seconds until he loses them. 

* * *

Ten minutes later, Perry's still staring at the green bar crossing the screen. 

He picks up the ruler from his desk and holds it against the monitor. 

Ten minutes, six millimeters. He leans back in his chair and does the mental math. One and two-thirds millimeters per minute, that's 0.0278 millimeters per second. Converted to miles per hour and...well, that number would be easier read in scientific notation.

Carl knocks on the cubicle wall. "Hey there, Agent P."

Perry waves. _Good morning, Carl._

"We have a mission for you. If you'll follow me?"

Perry stands up, shoving his phone in his pocket.

Either way, he follows Carl through the cubicles. 

"As you've likely read, the dish is down this morning," Carl says. "Besides, the Major wants you meet someone."

He looks up, just in time to not run headlong into the door frame of Monogram's office. 

Instead, he runs straight into the agent already in there.

His wrist heats up, right where the timer is. Is this his soulmate? He wants to check, but it would be rude.

The agent turns around. "Well, hello there." Perry smiles. The man's voice is rough, with a strong German accent. 

Perry shakes the man's outstretched hand. _Hello,_ he signs, hoping that this man knows ASL. 

"Oh, you prefer sign." The other agent nods. _Hello, my name is Heinz._ He pauses, a sheepish expression on his face. _My_ _grammar may not be the best anymore, sorry._

Perry smiles. _I'm mute, not deaf, so you can speak if you'd rather._ As an afterthought, he adds, _Don't worry, your grammar is fine._

The Major clears his throat. "Agent P, meet Agent O. He's the top agent in OWCA Seattle."

Agent O (Heinz) beams. "Agent O, this is Agent P, our top agent here in the Tri-State Area."

Perry smiles and shakes his head. Best agent might be a bit of a stretch. 

"Don't sell yourself short, Agent P. Anyway, you two are going to be going on an incredibly dangerous mission. You will be right here in the Tri-State Area, thwarting the menace known as Professor Puzzlement. He's jumped up seven notches on the Villain Scale, likely due to his new army of robot minions. Your job is to get in there and thwart him."

"Hang on. This evil guy is a local, and you brought me in from _Seattle?_ Your top agent here should be able to take him. No offense, Agent P."

 _None taken._ Actually, Perry takes some offense, but not towards Heinz. He's read the files on Puzzlement, the man is possibly the lowest man on the villain totem pole. 

Monogram coughs. "I wasn't done."

Heinz looks sheepish. "Oh. Carry on."

"As I was about to say, Heinz, you were brought in from OWCA Seattle because of your mechanical abilities. We don't want these bots just taken down- we want to understand the tech behind them as well."

Well, that makes sense. When it comes to beating up evil scientists and blowing up their robot armies, Perry is the best in the game. Ask him to explain the _how_ of those bots, and he's utterly useless. 

Perhaps OWCA is looking to improve their tech through slightly uncouth ways. 

(He can't say that he blames them. The budget dwindles more every year.)

"Once we get the dish back online, we'll send the coordinates and files to your watches. Good luck, Agents!"

They salute. Perry leaves the office, with Heinz right behind him. 

As soon as the door closes behind them, Perry pulls Heinz into a nearby empty office, out of the hallway. 

"Wait- Agent P- what are you doing? I don't even know your name."

 _My name is Perry,_ he signs, pulling his sleeve back just far enough to show his first timer, a _nd I think you're my soulmate._

Heinz's mouth drops open. He scrambles to pull his own sleeve up, baring both of his teal timers to Perry. 

The top one is at zero. Perry tries not to look at the second one, but he catches a glance anyway. Apparently, he's got some fifty years until he kicks the bucket.

The universe is cruel. 

" _Wow,_ " Heinz breathes. "Soulmates with the cute agent I'm partnered with. Okay, I _definitely_ don't regret taking this job."

Perry smiles, his face heating up at the compliment. _You think I'm cute?_

Heinz's cheeks flush a brilliant shade of scarlet. "Um, yes?"

This is going a lot better than he thought it would. Hopefully Heinz won't ask about the other...

"Say, can I see your other timer?"

...timer. Perry's blood turns to ice. He looks away, unable to meet his soulmate's eyes. He racks his brain for something to say, some explanation that won't give away the secret.

"Actually, I think I'd rather not know. It'd be kind of depressing, really. Especially if, like, I'm gonna die tomorrow. Yeah, I don't think I want to see."

Perry barely manages to keep himself from sighing in relief. Heinz has no idea how close he was to the truth.

At least he doesn't have to break the news. 

Their watches both beep at the same time. The coordinates and files for the mission. The dish must have been fixed.

_Shall we go stop a villain?_

"Yeah, let's go." Heinz opens the door to the office, then holds out his hand. 

Perry takes it. 

* * *

Heinz insists that he drive over to the warehouse where Professor Puzzlement is said to be. Perry agrees, preferring to ride rather than drive the OWCA hovercars. Despite all his agent strengths, he's a horrible driver. 

The wind whips through Perry's teal hair as they fly. Perry flips through the files on the Professor, looking for something he may have overlooked earlier, but there's really not much there. It seems like this mission is another case of over-inflated reports. 

He turns his watch off and sits back, relaying his findings to Heinz. 

"Yeah, it seemed pretty exaggerated. With anybody else, I'd believe an army of bots. Not this guy."

_According to the records, his worst invention before this was a machine that was designed to cover the entire Tri-State Area in mashed potatoes._

"And they're sending two of us to deal with him."

_Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to complain. It'll make things a lot more fun._

Heinz smiles, a bright beam that reflexively brings a smile to Perry's face.

"An easy job with my soulmate. What a day, huh?"

_What a day._

"We'll probably be done before lunchtime. Do you think your Major will give you the rest of the day off?"

_Probably not, but all I'll have to do is reports, and I could do those in my sleep._

"I have a feeling this one won't be particularly complex."

 _You're probably right._ Perry pauses to consider something. _When we get done, do you want to get lunch together?_

"That would be great."

Heinz takes his right hand off the wheel to hold Perry's left, bringing a light pink blush to both their faces.

Perry doesn't tell him that the timer, the one only inches away from his fingers, won't let him live past noon.

* * *

A ring of bots greet them when they walk in the doors of the warehouse.

Apparently the scientist _had_ built a robot army. Who knew?

(Well, OWCA knew, which is why they sent Perry and Heinz.)

No big deal, really. Perry's fought through far worse, and on his own.

"SURRENDER OR BE DESTROYED, OWCA SCUM," one of the bots booms in an electronic voice.

Perry and Heinz both draw their respective weapons. For Heinz, an EMP blaster designed to take out electronics. Perry doesn't really know how it works, but that doesn't matter. He prefers his own fists, reinforced with special fingerless gloves that prevent him from breaking knuckles on solid metal robots.

They grin and nod at each other before becoming a whirling flurry of attacks. 

Heinz drops bot after bot with both EMP blasts and well-placed kicks. Perry kicks up off one bot and lands on another, piloting it into other bots as he punches in its head. 

They make their way through the mess of mechanics, landing blow after blow. Perry jumps from bot to bot, prompting the mechanical monstrosities to fire on each other. 

He watches as Heinz drops one bot with a blast, another with a spinning kick. 

Perry's pretty much figured out why this guy is Seattle's best.

Soon, all the bots are either destroyed or deactivated. Perry jumps off the last bot, a fist of wires ripped from an exposed joint in one hand, landing on the floor next to Heinz in a fighting stance. 

Heinz reaches out and fixes Perry's slightly askew fedora. Perry feels a blush come to his face, for the fourth (fifth? who knows?) time today. He smiles and straightens up, dropping the wires. 

Their moment is interrupted with a loud, booming voice. 

"Good morning, Agents," the voice says, "how utterly expected."

Perry looks up. A metal cage falls from the rafters. He pushes Heinz out of the way, narrowly avoiding being trapped himself. 

The voice grumbles. Heinz laughs. "I've seen better traps from my _grandmother_."

"You insolent fools. I will soon become the supreme leader of the world, and you two will be the first I throw in lava."

 _Might want to start with the Tri-State Area,_ Perry signs, and Heinz grins.

"I really don't appreciate all this talking behind my back in front of me," the mysterious voice booms. 

_And I don't appreciate having to force myself through an army of bots, but here we are._ Heinz disguises a laugh as a cough.

"If you have something to say, say it to my face."

 _But I am,_ Perry signs, summoning his most innocent expression. This time, Heinz's sharp laugh rings out. 

Perry could listen to it all day. 

"And you, his companion. I do not appreciate being made fun of."

Heinz elbows Perry. "Maybe we'd be more afraid if we, y'know, gazed upon your godly form or whatever."

"My godly form or whatever," the voice echoes, clearly patronizing.

"Yeah," Heinz agrees. "Like in the Greek myths, where if you gaze upon the god's true form, you die. Except you're mortal."

"I am a fan of Greek mythology," the voice admits. "So I shall allow you to gaze upon my 'true form'."

A pair of bots descend from the rafters, holding a man on their shoulders. 

The professor steps off the shoulders of the bots. 

Heinz lets out an incredulous laugh. "You? _You're_ going to take over the world?" To Perry, he mutters "Even a real platypus could thwart this guy. And they don't do much."

Perry can't help but agree with Heinz's statements. The man standing in front of them is the stereotypical picture of a decrepit old man. Hunched, clutching at his back, holding tight to a cane with bony fingers.

"That is why I built the robots."

Perry takes a closer look at a felled robot near him. The design seems simplistic, and there are even more weak points than he had found during the brief battle. Heinz could probably point out even more. 

"Are you even paying attention?" the Professor asks. Perry crosses his arms and leans back. _Am I?_

"You agents and your secret languages. Speak English," Puzzlement says. 

Perry rolls his eyes. _Would if I could._ He dodges a robot lunging at him, then punches in its chestplate.

"And quit destroying my robots. Do you realize how long they take to make? You ungrateful OWCA agents..."

Perry tunes out the Professor's senile rant quickly. It's only a matter of time before he starts nattering on about his lawn. Considering that Heinz parked on the grassy strip in front of the warehouse, he just might. Perry turns to sign this to Heinz, who is elbow deep in the chest cavity of a robot. "Psst, Perry, come look at this."

Perry looks to where Heinz is pointing. To him, it makes no sense, but obviously Heinz can understand it. 

Heinz continues to whisper. "I think I can fuse two of these bots together to create a single bot, that when moved in a specific way, will trip this kinetic motion sensor, causing these wires here to overheat, producing a mass of heat and light that we can harness as a weapon."

He looks at Perry's blank, confused stare and sighs. "Exploding robot nunchucks."

Perry grins. _What do you need me to do?_

* * *

Heinz has a streak of soot from one of the exploded robots across one cheek. Before he can stop himself, Perry reaches out and gently brushes some away with his thumb. 

A soft smile crosses Heinz's face. Perry's hand lingers on Heinz's cheek. 

No words need to be exchanged. The look in Heinz's eye tells Perry everything he needs to know. 

Perry leans in, pressing his lips gently to Heinz's. His eyes slide closed, reveling in the smooth slide of Heinz's lips against his. Heinz slips his arms around Perry's shoulders, pulling him in close. Perry's hand moves to the back of Heinz's neck, fingers toying at the soft hairs there.

Too late, Perry feels the prick on the back of his neck. He rips himself away from Heinz to see the Professor, cuffs dangling from one bony wrist, wielding a hypodermic needle. A drop of something spills out the needle's tip. 

Both he and Heinz lunge for the evil scientist. 

Only Heinz makes it. Perry stumbles, spots dancing across his vision. The ground is rolling beneath his feet, he struggles to stay upright. The doctor tosses aside one syringe, but two hit the floor. Heinz punches the scientist, his fist shattering into a million pieces. 

Perry's wrist erupts in pain. He falls to his knees, watching as the numbers there begin to twist themselves into different shapes, oozing blood. 

He looks back up at Heinz and the Professor, fighting on the ground, but he can't tell who is who. A dull ache blossoms behind his forehead.

"Do you know the legend of Sisyphus, Peregrine Fletcher?" A whispering voice swirls around Perry's head, coming from both inside and out. When Perry doesn't answer, the voice continues. 

"Sisyphus was an ancient Greek man who thought he could cheat Death."

The voice laughs. The blood emerging from the numbers on his wrist morphs from black, then green, then back to crimson red. Perry's hands tremble, his stomach twists up in knots. 

"It didn't work out for him. In fact, when he reached the Underworld, he had a special, eternal torture waiting for him."

The voice spirals around and around. Perry turns his head, but he can't see anything. A dark fog has descended around him, leaving him in a spotlight of sorts. Muffled, mangled screams cry out from somewhere. 

"Do you know what that torture was, Peregrine?"

Perry scrapes at the ground. Patterns erupt in the cement, spinning and twisting. The blood on his wrists turns to insects, crawling up his sleeves. He slaps at his arms, trying to get the bugs away, but they don't move.

"Sisyphus was cursed to spend all eternity pushing a boulder up a hill. However, whenever he was about to reach the top, the boulder would roll right back down. A futile endeavor. A metaphor for stopping death. A perfect reminder that _nobody_ is above morality. Nobody, Peregrine."

A dark, hooded form descends in front of Perry. The form lifts Perry's chin with one cold finger, sending a shudder running down Perry's spine.

"Nobody can cheat death, Peregrine. The best doctor cannot save every life, nor can the best _agent_." The form spits out the word _agent_ like a curse. Bile rises in Perry's throat. "Your lover will die today. Heed the legends. Do not try and prevent it."

Boulders fall and shake the floor. Dark dust rises, choking Perry, forcing him to cover his mouth and nose. The patterns on the cement still whirl, making Perry's eyes dip in and out of focus.

"You cannot save anyone from death, Peregrine Fletcher. You can try to be Sisyphus, but it will always turn out the same. Your loved ones will die, you will die, and you will be punished."

An hourglass appears, its sand frozen in place. The timers on Perry's wrist twist themselves into an identical hourglass, still dripping warm blood.

"Let the timer run out, Peregrine. It is inevitable."

The dark form snaps its fingers. The hourglass explodes, sand stinging Perry's skin. The one on Perry's wrist screams in pain. Perry opens his mouth in a silent scream. A hot, angry tear falls from his eye. He _can't,_ he _won't_ let the figure be right. He can change the timer. He _will_ , he has to. 

He blinks, and the mud, the boulders, the fog is gone. The cold of the cement bleeds through the fabric of his pants. Perry yanks down his sleeve to look at his bloodless numbers. 

Two minutes left. Two minutes to do the impossible. 

Perry pushes himself to stand. His head pounds, likely an aftereffect of the drugs. Black spots jump around his vision, threatening his balance.

He blinks rapidly to clear away the black patches. A scream rings throughout the warehouse. 

_Heinz._ It has to be him. 

Perry lunges towards the sound, his legs shaking. Forcing himself to move. 

The scientist stands over a table, a bloodied knife in one trembling hand. Perry launches himself at the madman. The Professor falls to the floor, hitting his head, Perry landing right next to him. Perry pulls his handcuffs from his hat, cinching them tight enough to leave marks. 

It's just a second too late. Heinz is bleeding from a gash on his side. He's strapped to the table, and Perry cuts the bonds. Heinz tries to sit up, but Perry pushes him back down. 

_You're not going anywhere with that cut._ Perry pulls off his waistcoat and presses it to Heinz's side, attempting to staunch the bleeding. 

"No," Heinz protests, pointing behind Perry. "Robots!"

Perry whirls around. A wall of metal monstrosities descend upon the duo. Heinz hands him the EMP blaster, and Perry manages to fell a few. 

Too soon, it becomes crystal clear that they'll never make it this way. If Perry was alone, he could take the bots easily, but with an injured partner, the risk is already too high. 

Perry hands Heinz the EMP blaster, then picks him up. His shoes slip on spilled liquid as he runs- he doesn't want to think about what it might be. Who's it might be.

The front door is miraculously unguarded. Perry runs through, kicking it shut behind him to buy just a few seconds. 

He sets Heinz down in the front seat of the hovercar, jumping in the driver's seat. He presses his thumb into the scanner and the car's engine starts. 

The car takes off, flying away from the warehouse. Perry's wrist heats up- a warning. He glances over at Heinz, who is both pressing the waistcoat to his side and firing off EMP blasts at the few robots giving chase. 

His sleeve slips. Less than a minute. Perry presses his foot to the accelerator, willing the craft to go faster. Why did the warehouse have to be so far out in the middle of nowhere? 

A blast rocks the the hovercraft, shaking the passengers inside. Smoke erupts from the back of the craft. 

Perry barely manages to land the hovercraft in a field, carving divots into the muddy grass. There's a road not too far from their crash site, so Perry picks Heinz up and runs over. The robots are long gone, leaving the duo alone, on a dusty road between fields.

Perry twists the dial on his watch, sending out the agent-down signal. He has to try. One last fight. 

Perry holds onto Heinz's hand. He's done all he can, but it's too little, too late. Heinz has lost too much blood. Perry's timer ticks down, seconds slipping away.

Heinz opens his eyes. Perry realizes for the first time that Heinz's eyes are a beautiful, icy blue.

"Perry," Heinz whispers, "show me your timer? Please?" The desperation in his voice is palpable. 

A tear rolls out of Perry's eye. He nods and rolls up his bloodied sleeve to reveal the two timers. One stopped at zero, the other with twelve seconds left.

Eleven seconds.

Ten. 

Heinz looks at the timer, then back at Perry. 

Nine. 

“You knew.” 

Eight. 

Perry nods, tears flowing faster and faster, carving clear paths down his soot-stained face.

Seven. 

“And you still tried to save me.”

Six. 

Again, Perry nods. He twists his watch again, willing the medics to come faster. 

Five.

"Perry- I-" Heinz starts to speak again, but chokes, gasping for air.

Four. 

He coughs, blood dribbling out the corner of his mouth. 

Three. 

Heinz manages to clear his airway. His grip on Perry's hand tightens.

Two.

"I love you," Heinz whispers, voice hoarse, eyes never leaving Perry's.

One.

A smile ghosts onto his lips, and he closes his eyes. 

Zero. 

Heinz's hand goes limp. Perry's hand darts up to his neck, checking desperately for a pulse, already knowing the answer awaiting his questioning fingers. There's nothing there. 

Sirens wail in Perry's ears. Tires screech and doors slam. Paramedics lift Heinz onto one stretcher, Perry onto another. They're lifted into separate ambulances, then sped off towards the OWCA medical facilities. 

Paramedics ask him questions, bandage his wounds. Perry only stares blankly at his wrist. The inked zeroes, formerly a vibrant shade of purple, slowly fade to black.

* * *

The next day, Perry sits in his cubicle, watching the bar cross the screen. This time, he doesn't check his inbox, or answer texts, or drink coffee.

He simply sits and watches the bar go across the screen, his eyes rimmed in red. 

The green bar, just a single millimeter from the end, pauses.

The lights go out to groans and curses.

A few seconds later, they come back. A small outage, nothing unusual. Likely someone in Equipment testing something new.

Perry presses the power button again, and the now-empty bar comes back up. The green bar begins its crawl once more.

A futile endeavor. His modern-day rock of Sisyphus. His punishment for thinking he could defeat Death. 

Perry takes pride in the villain being wrong. But what do you do when the villain was inside you, playing on the inevitable reality of your worst fears? 

What do you do when the villain is _right_? 

Perry turns away, his nails digging into the flesh of his palms. Fresh tears spring to his eyes, threatening to spill over. 

His shoulders shake in a silent sob, his stoic expression breaking down into one of pain. 

Perry pulls his sleeve down, covering the stopped timers on his left wrist. The numerals inked in jet black. Zero hours, zero minutes, and zero seconds until he meets his soulmate.

Zero hours, zero minutes, and zero seconds until his soulmate dies.

**Author's Note:**

> Trends I seem to follow:
> 
>   * Angst in fluffy works 
>   * Existentialism 
>   * Sweet kisses 
>   * Weird shit 
>   * Fluff in angsty works 
> 



End file.
